Tired of Measuring Up!
http://www.journey2wholeness.org - Journey2Wholeness Ministries - Healing the Broken Hearted (Luke 4:18).
TIRED OF TRYING TO MEASURE UP
This information is from a book called "Tired of Trying to Measure Up" by by Jeffrey Vanvonderen
This information is from a book called "Tired of Trying to Measure Up" by by Jeffrey Vanvonderen
Are you a Christian who lives under a deeply ingrained code of written and unwritten expectations and rules that shame you and drain you of spiritual strength? Here are some signs:
Always struggling spiritually, but never feeling anything but tiredness.
Always feeling guilty – nothing is ever “good enough”
Rest is impossible – even when its needed.
Performance expectations prove you’ll never “measure up”
The Christian life has ceased to be a joy.
If this describes you, then read further to get free. This is a message to help you unmask the lies that keep you on a works-righteousness treadmill, and to help you discover the liberation of the gospel of grace
in Jesus Christ and the rest that comes through what Christ has done on the cross.
First, lets look at the root of the lie of your battle. You are probably not even aware of it but here it is. The root is SHAME.
· Do you feel that no matter how hard you try, you sense that God was disappointed in you?
· Do you feel a deep, abiding sense of defectiveness, which is a sense of shame?
· Shame is often confused with guilt. But they’re not the same.
God created you so that when you do something wrong you experience a sense of guilt. Guilt is like a spiritual nerve-response to sin, an emotion in response to wrong behavior. Those uncomfortable impulses that stab your conscience are meant to turn you away from the wrong you are doing and turn you back to God. In a sense, guilt is a healthy.
Shame is not just a feeling, though it is often spoken of it that way. Shame is the belief or mindset that something is wrong with you. It is something you can live with and not necessarily be aware of it. It is a sense or belief that a person is deficient, effective or worthless as a human being.
Shame is developed by way of looking at yourself. Shame is a standard of your environment. It’s a lie you believe that you are never acceptable. Deep down, you believe something is wrong with you. What happens is a shame-based system is built which can be a family, a school, a church, or Christian group in which the authority figures demand a certain level of performance, whether spoken or implied. If you don’t live by that standard then the message is that you simply do not measure up (Shame on you!).
Shame can even keep you at a distance from me. Why would God want to hear from someone like me? Especially when a person might have failed to meet up to the standard of the environment. Meaning, trying to measure u to the standards of other people.
Living with that continuous sense of shame, is entering into a process that involves four steps: trying, trying harder, and trying my hardest or giving up.
In order to understand the deep effects shame has on an individual, it’s necessary to go through a process:
· To what extent has your personality been shaped by a sense of shame?
· To what degree have your views about life and other people been effected?
· How much does a sense of shame limit you – dictating what you do or don’t do?
· Has shame caused you to become a victim, always at the mercy of people who are demanding, authoritative?
Do you ever feel or think that God feels so far away most of the time? You feel guilty for feeling that way when you are a Christian?
Do you work like crazy to get your job situation turned around the then ruin it? It could be in another form such as ministry as well.
Carefully consider the following traits, some of these might be you:
The first group of traits concerns how you relate to yourself. You have a shame-based identity. By my definition, that means you suffer from low self-esteem, or a negative self-concept. You base your assessment of yourself on the “fact” that you are a bad person, defective, inadequate, unlovable, undeserving.
Second, you are a highly performance-conscience. Meaning working for your worth in whatever area. The truth is the only way to get life, value and acceptance from God is to accept it as a free gift.
Third, you don’t know yourself very well. This comes from relationships that you a person feel ashamed because you have needs, feelings, opinions, or struggles which can cause a person to become out of touch with their own needs. Do you when you come in touch with your own needs, scold yourself for being selfish or undeserving?
Fourth, you are frequently unaware of your own feelings. Because the feelings was frowned upon, you learned to hide or ignore yours. You’ve become an expert at “stuffing them”; because feeling hurts too much. Emotions are much part of who a person is. Being unaware of your feelings prevents you from making wise choices in response to them. You’re controlled by feelings in a way you probably don’t recognize. Do you do everything possible to avoid stressful situations and keep peace, but you always seem to find yourself in the midst of conflict anyway?
Fifth, you have a tendency to be idolatrous. Many people who have missed out on their parents’ blessing look for that lost love in all the wrong places… in an attempt to try to meet legitimate needs in an illegitimate way! Meaning, you look on externals such as people’s opinion on you, clothes, money, relation, your behavior, your children’s behavior, etc.
Sixth, you have a high level of anxiety. Since your sense of well being comes from things that are totally up for grabs (people’s opinion, your ability to keep everyone happy, doing enough at church, etc.) you often feel anxious.
Seventh, You are wounded. You’ve been shamed out of talking about your problems. Therefore, you’re still being affected by them.
Eighth, you are tired. In order to make it in a shame-based system, you had to acquire certain skills or become an expert at a certain role that was conducive to survival. Maybe your way of surviving was to pretend that things really didn’t matter that much. But, now you cannot get past the feeling of hopelessness or apathy that makes it hard to get motivated.
The following traits deal with how to relate to others some of these could relate to you:
One, you are unaware of personal “boundaries”. Boundaries are those invisible barriers that tell others where they stop and where you begin. People who have been shamed don’t know they have the right to set personal boundaries. Shame-based system (relationships that communicate condemning messages) have told them that they’re selfish to have private limits. Aggressively abusive people may have crossed your boundaries without permission. YOU WERE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY NO. It has been “okay” for people to control your life because they were your parents, spouse, leader, a male or some other person that supposedly had “the right.”
Two, You have incredible “radar.” When you grow up in a place where the main preoccupation is external behavior and how things look, you become an expert at noticing how things look. Since it’s been your job to keep everyone satisfied or at peace (except yourself), you’ve become an expert at reading people’s nonverbal signals.
Three, You feel as if you don’t belong. When you come into a room full of people you feel lonely, as if no one knows or cares that you’re there.
Four, You can’t tell what normal is. When you live in a world of unwritten rules, the emphasis is placed on appearances and not on the underlying truth or realty of the situation. You behave as if you are normal, without having a sound basis for making that decision. You live in a world that you created all your own, a world of what life would be if…. Maybe you’ve been surprised at times by the fact that every family in the whole world doesn’t do things the way your family did.
Fifth, You have a difficult time trusting people. Trust is a confidence in the fact that you’re not going to be hurt by someone. But you’ve been hurt so much; relationships that were supposed to be the safest were the least safe. Those who were to protect you were the perpetrators.
Sixth, You are afraid of being deserted. In many families and churches, people are not available emotionally, spiritually, or even physically. Where you grew up, closeness was nonexistent. Relationships were full of strings, and you couldn’t count on anyone. You’re secretly terrified that you’ll be abandoned.
Do you do this? :
One, A shame-grid causes you to receive words, external circumstances and events, and the way others treat you as an indictment – a judgment that you aren’t good enough as a person. You interpret words and actions to mean more than what they really mean; in other words, you assume people see you as a lesser person. Example, Your child misbehaving translates; I’m a lousy parent,” making a mistake translates: “I am less of a person,” Your parents being upset translates “I’m a failure as their child,” etc.
Two, You use a lot of negative “self-talk.” Whenever your performance doesn’t measure up to the standard, you speak to yourself like the prosecuting attorney in a case in which you are also the defendant! Such as what’s wrong with me? How could I be so stupid? It doesn’t matter what I feel or nobody cares what happens to me, etc.
Three, you don’t allow yourself to make mistakes (or admit them). When you been taught that performance is the way to be valuable and acceptable, mistakes bring shame. They document imperfection.
Four, You are over responsible. If there’s a problem, you must have caused it (even if you’re not sure how). If there’s a crisis ,you’re supposed to solve it. It is your job to make sure everyone else is happy, that no one is disappointed, that their needs are met, and that the whole world is at peace.
Fifth, you martyr your own needs. Your shame-grid tells you that needing something means you are being selfish. You interpret neediness to mean that you’re not adequate for every task. You can express a need only if you’re really suffering. Otherwise, tough it out.
Sixth, You don’t trust your “radar.” You’ve learned to think that you are the problem for thinking there is a problem! The information you gather is filtered by your shame-grid. It can’t be really that bad, it must be me.
Seventh, You set up inappropriate boundaries. Coming from a shaming environment you lack a sense of having a right to your own boundaries, as well as lacking opportunities to practice setting up personal boundaries. The result you allow people who are close to you to continue to hurt you but protect yourself from those who are safe.
Eighth, you act like a victim. People with a history of relationships that have given them a sense of shame often become victims in later-life relationships because of the deeply ingrained message that they are “defective.”
Ninth, you tend to “code” when you communicate. You make it hard for people to confront you, because you don’t say what you mean outright. Such as you live with unwritten rules like “it’s selfish to have needs.” Someone who really wanted to get his needs met, he said, “Oh, you don’t have to go through all of that trouble for me.” This translates, “if you really want to please me, you’ll do it!”
Tenth, You suffer a lot of stress-related illness. This is just the end result of the process of trying to live a “perfect’ life. Being perfect is hard work. The shame-history has left you with many skills that help you avoid problems, but without the skills you need to face and solve problems.
Eleventh, you can’t have guilt-free fun. In your book, fun is a waste of valuable time. You could do something “meaningful.” Most likely, your childhood was stolen from you.
Twelve, you act in ways that seem contradictory. For a period of time you’re the perfectionist, then you become a slob, and you couldn’t care less. You try hard, then give up. In part, this has to do with energy level.
Thirteen, you can’t deal with gifts very well. First, you cannot receive gifts. If you receive a gift, it attacks your shame-grid, which reminds you that you don’t deserve a gift, or makes you suspect that I must really want something in return. There must be a string attached. Second, you can’t give gifts. You must be careful that you don’t’ give away too much without keeping track, always making sure people notice, or pay you back, third, you will be a big giver to everyone around you but you don’t expect anything in return cause you feel you do not deserve it.
Thirteen, you sabotage your own success. At the same time that you are seeking the acceptance of others, the way someone who’s dying searches for water in the desert – when you finally get it, it collides against every deeply ingrained message of shame.
Fourteen, you procrastinate. Projects that are completed can be scrutinized, even criticized. They open up the possibility for shame. Projects that are in a constant state of being unfinished carry a built-in excuse.
Fifteen, you are possessive in relationships. Relationships are so difficult for you to develop and maintain that you are afraid of being deserted once you form a relationship with someone.
Sixteen, you have a high need for control. Since your sense of well-being and security is based on externals, you’re preoccupied with the status of things and the behavior of people.
What’s wrong with me! Nothing. You are a normal person that has been wounded. There is hope.
Shame based system “code” when they talk:
Triangling – Dad wants child to clean garage mom codes the child to be less hurtful. She tells child “It would be nice if you’d clean out the garage. Child ignores the coded message, or promises to do it later Mom codes the child’s response to make it more palatable. It doesn’t get done and mom tells dad to make it more palatable “He misunderstood – don’t be upset. Much of the time and energy in the relationship was decoding messages and trying not to upset dad.
Shame based families are idolatrous:
Idolatry can mean to turn to a source other than God to meet your needs.
Example of can’t win rule! Using grandma’s bread stuffing? If you tell Grandma that you’d prefer not to eat her stuffing because it would run your holiday. Grandma will feel like a less-special human being, then the truth is, grandma measures her value and identity from her cooking and people’s opinion which is a pour source of value and a form of idolatry because the source of grandma’s worth and identity is God and not from others.
Do you get your value through others?
Shame-based systems have a hard time with kids: : (check what applies to you and rate 100, 75, 50, 25%)
The rules that govern this system are mostly unspoken, and almost impossible to live up to the standards. You never know where you stand. Everything has the potential to bring on a sense of shame. Everything had to be perfect.
· Watch what you say, _______
· you must walk on eggs, _______
· take everything seriously, _______
· watch your P’s and Q’s, act you age, ______
· don’t laugh too hard at jokes, _______
· don’t make too much noise, _______
· don’t talk at the table, ______
· don’t have to much fun when playing, ______
They had to be miniature adults and got shamed a lot.
Shame based system are preoccupied with fault and blame:
We make wise and unwise decisions and choices and we need to take responsibility for our actions. A shame-based system are indict people on the bases of behavior. Fault and blame are the issues, not responsibility. Fault and blame are the issues, not responsibility. In short, shame-based systems burn up a lot of energy in self-defense, and in asking. “Who’s responsible?”. The question is not raised for the purpose of healing the guilty party face the consequences – much less so that forgiveness can be extended. They need someone to blame so that they don’t feel bad. Shame-based systems overreact to the choices of their members. You can never perform well enough, and you can never be sorry enough when you don’t perform.
Shame-based systems are strong on “head skills”:
People in shame-based relationships live basically in a defensive mode. Shame hurts. It cuts to the heart. Therefore, people must become experts at “self-defense’ techniques to protect themselves against shaming messages. These include: denying the existence of problems or rationalizing them away, blaming others and becoming a good debater.
Shame-based systems are weak on “heart skills”:
The only feelings allowed in a shame-based system are those which can be justified or understood. Emotions must be thought, not felt. If you can’t explain the feeling, then it must not exist. Experiencing or expressing certain emotions such as sadness, hurt, loneliness, or humiliation is viewed as an indication of weakness or defectiveness. All efforts by members of the system to fix or change those feelings only shame a person for feeling that way and “causing” so much upset.
People in shame-based relationships think that if they can understand why they feel the way they do, then the feeling will go away. They get stuck carrying a lot of heavy emotions and are never able to resolve them.
Compliments, compassion and empathy are reserved for those outside the system. Did you ever bring friends home and your friends were complimented on their interest and hobbies but your performance was criticized or ignored? ________ or other siblings were complimented but you were not? ________
People in shame-based systems only look as if their needs are met. They have a sense that they are: : (check what applies to you and rate 100, 75, 50, 25%)
· Not loved and accepted (not even lovable or acceptable) ______
· Only loved and accepted if, when, or because they perform ______
· Not capable, valuable, or worthwhile ______
· Very alone, not really belonging anywhere, to anything, or with anyone ______
The person feels as though love and acceptance are something to be earned. The person feels empty and disconnected on the inside with the appearance of fullness on the outside.
Do you feel like you spend your life feeling as though you’re not good enough, living according to performance, never measuring up and allowing wondering when you’re going to start living and being happy? _________. (The reason so many people or you do no feel fully alive, or that part of them is dead inside, is that they have not been fully awakened to life. But life is here to be had and enjoyed freely.)
Run Over by Shame
Personal Behavior – meaning – people make choices for which they are ultimately responsible. In system that are performance-oriented, missing the mark always brings on shame. Consequently, the transgressor will carry shame for behaviors long singe past, whether or not they can be categorized as sin. In a society or circle where any unacceptable behavior is shamed, the offender becomes an expert at heaping shame upon himself. In the final analysis, no one else even needs to add to it because he/she is already self-condemned.
Addictions – meaning – addiction is simply the end of a course of action designed to fill inner spiritual emptiness with something that can’t fill it. It is the result of an attempt to meet inner needs with external substances or activities. It can be anything.
The “Cant-talk” rule is the primary mode of operation where there is addiction. When a person attempts to meet his needs through a “negative’ addiction (alcohol, drugs, sex, food gambling), family and friends are shamed to take notice. When a person tries to meet his needs through a “positive” addiction (work, ministry, a friendship,”), those trying to help are shamed for questioning because the course being pursued here is, on the surface, desirable and “acceptable.” The one who confronts this kind of problem is treated as petty, unreasonable, unspiritual, oversensitive, jealous, selfish or critical.
Unfortunately, a sense of failure and shame transfers to those who would like to help. Usually, they try harder. At some point, it becomes easier for them to continue investing more emotion and energy to “recover” their loved one than to let go of what they’ve already invested.
Abusiveness – meaning – is when Person A uses his/her power or his/her position and authority to force Person B to perform in order to meet the needs of Person A. Abuse can be subtle and sometimes more damaging form of abuse. When a parent uses his/her authority or power solely to control a child to act in a way that meets the inner need of the parent, it is abuse. It is abuse whether they control through the use of violence, a loud voice, threats, manipulation, culture, or Bible verses.
Control is the main issue for these abusers: they attempt to control another, while neglecting to control themselves. Psycho-emotional abuse is, in some ways, more damaging than physical abuse. Wounds to the heart are deeper and invisible to others. Verbal abuse, the most easily recognized form of psycho-emotional abuse, includes name-calling, put-downs, comparing to others, raising the voice and threats.
The message abuse, in whatever form, is extremely shaming. All abuse is a violation of the inner boundary of another. An inner boundary is an invisible line inside, which, when crossed, violates a sense of well-being or worth.
The bottom-line message of all forms of abuse is: “Your needs don’t matter. Your feelings don’t’ matter. What you think doesn’t matter. You are defective and you are the problem”. Do you believe this statement is true?
· Have you ever been abuse sexually? ______
· Have you ever been hit by family members such as parents, siblings? ______
· Have you ever been or felt shamed by parents? ______
· Have you ever been or felt shame by siblings? ______
· Have you ever been manipulated by guilt and shame to do something for them? _____ if yes how
When someone manipulates you to do something, does it make you feel:
worthless? _________ lack of love ________ is it a way you receive love by giving into the guilt/shame? _______, do you feel better about yourself when you give into the guilt? ______, does it make you feel more shameful? _____, less shameful? ______, do you feel shame when you are thinking not giving into the manipulation? _______, do you recognize the shame feeling as manipulation of the other person? ______, do you give into the manipulation of guilt/shame most of the time ______ some of the time ______ part of the time? ______, do you feel defective and powerless to prevent this from happening (manipulation)? ______, do you feel responsible abuse because of your lack of performance? ______.
I feel as Though It’s Never Enough:
The effects of shame. There are five integral characters who provide the energy for both the “give-up “ side and the “try-hard” side of this cycle. First is the outside source, delivering shaming messages about the person. Second are he messages that shame, third, mind of the person who looks at himself as defective and shamed, fourth, is the person’s result behavior, fifth, cheerleader, other people involved in the person’s life who shouts messages to him from the sidelines. _______ explain:
Outside Source: Some people come from parent, child relationships that were overtly shaming. Like name calling, comparing, put-downs, favoritism, perfectionism, sideways communication, shaming rules and rejection.
Outside source shaming are from abusive children, men or women dates, teachers, the church, etc. Such as being teased by peers. Performance based religion shames people for struggling, asking, doubting, feeling, or resting – and for not complying reading, giving, attending, or doing. For some, its to avoid the church all together.
The Message of Shame: When the messages are wounding, the person ends to read them like his: “Soemthing’s wrong with me; I’m a bad person; I can’t do anything right; I’m defective, inadequate, selfish, incompetent, worthless, crazy, stupid, in the way; I’m an embarrassment, a mistake, a pest.
The Mind:
Belief. The mind begins with the belief system, or what is referred to as the “shame-grid.” This means that you have a belief system or mindset that perpetuates shame. First, you accept the outside source as a reliable, legitimate place from which to find out about yourself. Giving power for others to shame you. Second, you accept that what I’m saying about you – through words, actions, or our relationship – is actually he truth. Third, you believe that someone as bad as you deserves to feel bad and deserves to be punished. You become judge and jury and find yourself condemning in the courtroom of your mind. After years, the pattern has become natural for you. You never question its validity. You accept the message as truth.
Decision, you now choose, either to give up or to try harder. You conclude that your performance has failed, the situation is hopeless, and you are a shameful, defective individual, you will give up. This is the way that fits best with your assessment or yourself.
The Behavior
When you act in a way that’s consistent with your shame, the cycle is complete. You will end up doing exactly what you hate doing because of the shame and guilt you feel. The worst part is that it is not complete and starts over! You feel bad as you “need” to feel bad. You might even perpetuate the bad feelings yourself. The feeling of shame is ingrained into your identity.
The Cheerleaders:
While part of the cycle is happening, people in your life observe your behavior and shame you for:
Always struggling spiritually, but never feeling anything but tiredness.
Always feeling guilty – nothing is ever “good enough”
Rest is impossible – even when its needed.
Performance expectations prove you’ll never “measure up”
The Christian life has ceased to be a joy.
If this describes you, then read further to get free. This is a message to help you unmask the lies that keep you on a works-righteousness treadmill, and to help you discover the liberation of the gospel of grace
in Jesus Christ and the rest that comes through what Christ has done on the cross.
First, lets look at the root of the lie of your battle. You are probably not even aware of it but here it is. The root is SHAME.
· Do you feel that no matter how hard you try, you sense that God was disappointed in you?
· Do you feel a deep, abiding sense of defectiveness, which is a sense of shame?
· Shame is often confused with guilt. But they’re not the same.
God created you so that when you do something wrong you experience a sense of guilt. Guilt is like a spiritual nerve-response to sin, an emotion in response to wrong behavior. Those uncomfortable impulses that stab your conscience are meant to turn you away from the wrong you are doing and turn you back to God. In a sense, guilt is a healthy.
Shame is not just a feeling, though it is often spoken of it that way. Shame is the belief or mindset that something is wrong with you. It is something you can live with and not necessarily be aware of it. It is a sense or belief that a person is deficient, effective or worthless as a human being.
Shame is developed by way of looking at yourself. Shame is a standard of your environment. It’s a lie you believe that you are never acceptable. Deep down, you believe something is wrong with you. What happens is a shame-based system is built which can be a family, a school, a church, or Christian group in which the authority figures demand a certain level of performance, whether spoken or implied. If you don’t live by that standard then the message is that you simply do not measure up (Shame on you!).
Shame can even keep you at a distance from me. Why would God want to hear from someone like me? Especially when a person might have failed to meet up to the standard of the environment. Meaning, trying to measure u to the standards of other people.
Living with that continuous sense of shame, is entering into a process that involves four steps: trying, trying harder, and trying my hardest or giving up.
In order to understand the deep effects shame has on an individual, it’s necessary to go through a process:
· To what extent has your personality been shaped by a sense of shame?
· To what degree have your views about life and other people been effected?
· How much does a sense of shame limit you – dictating what you do or don’t do?
· Has shame caused you to become a victim, always at the mercy of people who are demanding, authoritative?
Do you ever feel or think that God feels so far away most of the time? You feel guilty for feeling that way when you are a Christian?
Do you work like crazy to get your job situation turned around the then ruin it? It could be in another form such as ministry as well.
Carefully consider the following traits, some of these might be you:
The first group of traits concerns how you relate to yourself. You have a shame-based identity. By my definition, that means you suffer from low self-esteem, or a negative self-concept. You base your assessment of yourself on the “fact” that you are a bad person, defective, inadequate, unlovable, undeserving.
Second, you are a highly performance-conscience. Meaning working for your worth in whatever area. The truth is the only way to get life, value and acceptance from God is to accept it as a free gift.
Third, you don’t know yourself very well. This comes from relationships that you a person feel ashamed because you have needs, feelings, opinions, or struggles which can cause a person to become out of touch with their own needs. Do you when you come in touch with your own needs, scold yourself for being selfish or undeserving?
Fourth, you are frequently unaware of your own feelings. Because the feelings was frowned upon, you learned to hide or ignore yours. You’ve become an expert at “stuffing them”; because feeling hurts too much. Emotions are much part of who a person is. Being unaware of your feelings prevents you from making wise choices in response to them. You’re controlled by feelings in a way you probably don’t recognize. Do you do everything possible to avoid stressful situations and keep peace, but you always seem to find yourself in the midst of conflict anyway?
Fifth, you have a tendency to be idolatrous. Many people who have missed out on their parents’ blessing look for that lost love in all the wrong places… in an attempt to try to meet legitimate needs in an illegitimate way! Meaning, you look on externals such as people’s opinion on you, clothes, money, relation, your behavior, your children’s behavior, etc.
Sixth, you have a high level of anxiety. Since your sense of well being comes from things that are totally up for grabs (people’s opinion, your ability to keep everyone happy, doing enough at church, etc.) you often feel anxious.
Seventh, You are wounded. You’ve been shamed out of talking about your problems. Therefore, you’re still being affected by them.
Eighth, you are tired. In order to make it in a shame-based system, you had to acquire certain skills or become an expert at a certain role that was conducive to survival. Maybe your way of surviving was to pretend that things really didn’t matter that much. But, now you cannot get past the feeling of hopelessness or apathy that makes it hard to get motivated.
The following traits deal with how to relate to others some of these could relate to you:
One, you are unaware of personal “boundaries”. Boundaries are those invisible barriers that tell others where they stop and where you begin. People who have been shamed don’t know they have the right to set personal boundaries. Shame-based system (relationships that communicate condemning messages) have told them that they’re selfish to have private limits. Aggressively abusive people may have crossed your boundaries without permission. YOU WERE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY NO. It has been “okay” for people to control your life because they were your parents, spouse, leader, a male or some other person that supposedly had “the right.”
Two, You have incredible “radar.” When you grow up in a place where the main preoccupation is external behavior and how things look, you become an expert at noticing how things look. Since it’s been your job to keep everyone satisfied or at peace (except yourself), you’ve become an expert at reading people’s nonverbal signals.
Three, You feel as if you don’t belong. When you come into a room full of people you feel lonely, as if no one knows or cares that you’re there.
Four, You can’t tell what normal is. When you live in a world of unwritten rules, the emphasis is placed on appearances and not on the underlying truth or realty of the situation. You behave as if you are normal, without having a sound basis for making that decision. You live in a world that you created all your own, a world of what life would be if…. Maybe you’ve been surprised at times by the fact that every family in the whole world doesn’t do things the way your family did.
Fifth, You have a difficult time trusting people. Trust is a confidence in the fact that you’re not going to be hurt by someone. But you’ve been hurt so much; relationships that were supposed to be the safest were the least safe. Those who were to protect you were the perpetrators.
Sixth, You are afraid of being deserted. In many families and churches, people are not available emotionally, spiritually, or even physically. Where you grew up, closeness was nonexistent. Relationships were full of strings, and you couldn’t count on anyone. You’re secretly terrified that you’ll be abandoned.
Do you do this? :
One, A shame-grid causes you to receive words, external circumstances and events, and the way others treat you as an indictment – a judgment that you aren’t good enough as a person. You interpret words and actions to mean more than what they really mean; in other words, you assume people see you as a lesser person. Example, Your child misbehaving translates; I’m a lousy parent,” making a mistake translates: “I am less of a person,” Your parents being upset translates “I’m a failure as their child,” etc.
Two, You use a lot of negative “self-talk.” Whenever your performance doesn’t measure up to the standard, you speak to yourself like the prosecuting attorney in a case in which you are also the defendant! Such as what’s wrong with me? How could I be so stupid? It doesn’t matter what I feel or nobody cares what happens to me, etc.
Three, you don’t allow yourself to make mistakes (or admit them). When you been taught that performance is the way to be valuable and acceptable, mistakes bring shame. They document imperfection.
Four, You are over responsible. If there’s a problem, you must have caused it (even if you’re not sure how). If there’s a crisis ,you’re supposed to solve it. It is your job to make sure everyone else is happy, that no one is disappointed, that their needs are met, and that the whole world is at peace.
Fifth, you martyr your own needs. Your shame-grid tells you that needing something means you are being selfish. You interpret neediness to mean that you’re not adequate for every task. You can express a need only if you’re really suffering. Otherwise, tough it out.
Sixth, You don’t trust your “radar.” You’ve learned to think that you are the problem for thinking there is a problem! The information you gather is filtered by your shame-grid. It can’t be really that bad, it must be me.
Seventh, You set up inappropriate boundaries. Coming from a shaming environment you lack a sense of having a right to your own boundaries, as well as lacking opportunities to practice setting up personal boundaries. The result you allow people who are close to you to continue to hurt you but protect yourself from those who are safe.
Eighth, you act like a victim. People with a history of relationships that have given them a sense of shame often become victims in later-life relationships because of the deeply ingrained message that they are “defective.”
Ninth, you tend to “code” when you communicate. You make it hard for people to confront you, because you don’t say what you mean outright. Such as you live with unwritten rules like “it’s selfish to have needs.” Someone who really wanted to get his needs met, he said, “Oh, you don’t have to go through all of that trouble for me.” This translates, “if you really want to please me, you’ll do it!”
Tenth, You suffer a lot of stress-related illness. This is just the end result of the process of trying to live a “perfect’ life. Being perfect is hard work. The shame-history has left you with many skills that help you avoid problems, but without the skills you need to face and solve problems.
Eleventh, you can’t have guilt-free fun. In your book, fun is a waste of valuable time. You could do something “meaningful.” Most likely, your childhood was stolen from you.
Twelve, you act in ways that seem contradictory. For a period of time you’re the perfectionist, then you become a slob, and you couldn’t care less. You try hard, then give up. In part, this has to do with energy level.
Thirteen, you can’t deal with gifts very well. First, you cannot receive gifts. If you receive a gift, it attacks your shame-grid, which reminds you that you don’t deserve a gift, or makes you suspect that I must really want something in return. There must be a string attached. Second, you can’t give gifts. You must be careful that you don’t’ give away too much without keeping track, always making sure people notice, or pay you back, third, you will be a big giver to everyone around you but you don’t expect anything in return cause you feel you do not deserve it.
Thirteen, you sabotage your own success. At the same time that you are seeking the acceptance of others, the way someone who’s dying searches for water in the desert – when you finally get it, it collides against every deeply ingrained message of shame.
Fourteen, you procrastinate. Projects that are completed can be scrutinized, even criticized. They open up the possibility for shame. Projects that are in a constant state of being unfinished carry a built-in excuse.
Fifteen, you are possessive in relationships. Relationships are so difficult for you to develop and maintain that you are afraid of being deserted once you form a relationship with someone.
Sixteen, you have a high need for control. Since your sense of well-being and security is based on externals, you’re preoccupied with the status of things and the behavior of people.
What’s wrong with me! Nothing. You are a normal person that has been wounded. There is hope.
Shame based system “code” when they talk:
Triangling – Dad wants child to clean garage mom codes the child to be less hurtful. She tells child “It would be nice if you’d clean out the garage. Child ignores the coded message, or promises to do it later Mom codes the child’s response to make it more palatable. It doesn’t get done and mom tells dad to make it more palatable “He misunderstood – don’t be upset. Much of the time and energy in the relationship was decoding messages and trying not to upset dad.
Shame based families are idolatrous:
Idolatry can mean to turn to a source other than God to meet your needs.
Example of can’t win rule! Using grandma’s bread stuffing? If you tell Grandma that you’d prefer not to eat her stuffing because it would run your holiday. Grandma will feel like a less-special human being, then the truth is, grandma measures her value and identity from her cooking and people’s opinion which is a pour source of value and a form of idolatry because the source of grandma’s worth and identity is God and not from others.
Do you get your value through others?
Shame-based systems have a hard time with kids: : (check what applies to you and rate 100, 75, 50, 25%)
The rules that govern this system are mostly unspoken, and almost impossible to live up to the standards. You never know where you stand. Everything has the potential to bring on a sense of shame. Everything had to be perfect.
· Watch what you say, _______
· you must walk on eggs, _______
· take everything seriously, _______
· watch your P’s and Q’s, act you age, ______
· don’t laugh too hard at jokes, _______
· don’t make too much noise, _______
· don’t talk at the table, ______
· don’t have to much fun when playing, ______
They had to be miniature adults and got shamed a lot.
Shame based system are preoccupied with fault and blame:
We make wise and unwise decisions and choices and we need to take responsibility for our actions. A shame-based system are indict people on the bases of behavior. Fault and blame are the issues, not responsibility. Fault and blame are the issues, not responsibility. In short, shame-based systems burn up a lot of energy in self-defense, and in asking. “Who’s responsible?”. The question is not raised for the purpose of healing the guilty party face the consequences – much less so that forgiveness can be extended. They need someone to blame so that they don’t feel bad. Shame-based systems overreact to the choices of their members. You can never perform well enough, and you can never be sorry enough when you don’t perform.
Shame-based systems are strong on “head skills”:
People in shame-based relationships live basically in a defensive mode. Shame hurts. It cuts to the heart. Therefore, people must become experts at “self-defense’ techniques to protect themselves against shaming messages. These include: denying the existence of problems or rationalizing them away, blaming others and becoming a good debater.
Shame-based systems are weak on “heart skills”:
The only feelings allowed in a shame-based system are those which can be justified or understood. Emotions must be thought, not felt. If you can’t explain the feeling, then it must not exist. Experiencing or expressing certain emotions such as sadness, hurt, loneliness, or humiliation is viewed as an indication of weakness or defectiveness. All efforts by members of the system to fix or change those feelings only shame a person for feeling that way and “causing” so much upset.
People in shame-based relationships think that if they can understand why they feel the way they do, then the feeling will go away. They get stuck carrying a lot of heavy emotions and are never able to resolve them.
Compliments, compassion and empathy are reserved for those outside the system. Did you ever bring friends home and your friends were complimented on their interest and hobbies but your performance was criticized or ignored? ________ or other siblings were complimented but you were not? ________
People in shame-based systems only look as if their needs are met. They have a sense that they are: : (check what applies to you and rate 100, 75, 50, 25%)
· Not loved and accepted (not even lovable or acceptable) ______
· Only loved and accepted if, when, or because they perform ______
· Not capable, valuable, or worthwhile ______
· Very alone, not really belonging anywhere, to anything, or with anyone ______
The person feels as though love and acceptance are something to be earned. The person feels empty and disconnected on the inside with the appearance of fullness on the outside.
Do you feel like you spend your life feeling as though you’re not good enough, living according to performance, never measuring up and allowing wondering when you’re going to start living and being happy? _________. (The reason so many people or you do no feel fully alive, or that part of them is dead inside, is that they have not been fully awakened to life. But life is here to be had and enjoyed freely.)
Run Over by Shame
Personal Behavior – meaning – people make choices for which they are ultimately responsible. In system that are performance-oriented, missing the mark always brings on shame. Consequently, the transgressor will carry shame for behaviors long singe past, whether or not they can be categorized as sin. In a society or circle where any unacceptable behavior is shamed, the offender becomes an expert at heaping shame upon himself. In the final analysis, no one else even needs to add to it because he/she is already self-condemned.
Addictions – meaning – addiction is simply the end of a course of action designed to fill inner spiritual emptiness with something that can’t fill it. It is the result of an attempt to meet inner needs with external substances or activities. It can be anything.
The “Cant-talk” rule is the primary mode of operation where there is addiction. When a person attempts to meet his needs through a “negative’ addiction (alcohol, drugs, sex, food gambling), family and friends are shamed to take notice. When a person tries to meet his needs through a “positive” addiction (work, ministry, a friendship,”), those trying to help are shamed for questioning because the course being pursued here is, on the surface, desirable and “acceptable.” The one who confronts this kind of problem is treated as petty, unreasonable, unspiritual, oversensitive, jealous, selfish or critical.
Unfortunately, a sense of failure and shame transfers to those who would like to help. Usually, they try harder. At some point, it becomes easier for them to continue investing more emotion and energy to “recover” their loved one than to let go of what they’ve already invested.
Abusiveness – meaning – is when Person A uses his/her power or his/her position and authority to force Person B to perform in order to meet the needs of Person A. Abuse can be subtle and sometimes more damaging form of abuse. When a parent uses his/her authority or power solely to control a child to act in a way that meets the inner need of the parent, it is abuse. It is abuse whether they control through the use of violence, a loud voice, threats, manipulation, culture, or Bible verses.
Control is the main issue for these abusers: they attempt to control another, while neglecting to control themselves. Psycho-emotional abuse is, in some ways, more damaging than physical abuse. Wounds to the heart are deeper and invisible to others. Verbal abuse, the most easily recognized form of psycho-emotional abuse, includes name-calling, put-downs, comparing to others, raising the voice and threats.
The message abuse, in whatever form, is extremely shaming. All abuse is a violation of the inner boundary of another. An inner boundary is an invisible line inside, which, when crossed, violates a sense of well-being or worth.
The bottom-line message of all forms of abuse is: “Your needs don’t matter. Your feelings don’t’ matter. What you think doesn’t matter. You are defective and you are the problem”. Do you believe this statement is true?
· Have you ever been abuse sexually? ______
· Have you ever been hit by family members such as parents, siblings? ______
· Have you ever been or felt shamed by parents? ______
· Have you ever been or felt shame by siblings? ______
· Have you ever been manipulated by guilt and shame to do something for them? _____ if yes how
When someone manipulates you to do something, does it make you feel:
worthless? _________ lack of love ________ is it a way you receive love by giving into the guilt/shame? _______, do you feel better about yourself when you give into the guilt? ______, does it make you feel more shameful? _____, less shameful? ______, do you feel shame when you are thinking not giving into the manipulation? _______, do you recognize the shame feeling as manipulation of the other person? ______, do you give into the manipulation of guilt/shame most of the time ______ some of the time ______ part of the time? ______, do you feel defective and powerless to prevent this from happening (manipulation)? ______, do you feel responsible abuse because of your lack of performance? ______.
I feel as Though It’s Never Enough:
The effects of shame. There are five integral characters who provide the energy for both the “give-up “ side and the “try-hard” side of this cycle. First is the outside source, delivering shaming messages about the person. Second are he messages that shame, third, mind of the person who looks at himself as defective and shamed, fourth, is the person’s result behavior, fifth, cheerleader, other people involved in the person’s life who shouts messages to him from the sidelines. _______ explain:
Outside Source: Some people come from parent, child relationships that were overtly shaming. Like name calling, comparing, put-downs, favoritism, perfectionism, sideways communication, shaming rules and rejection.
Outside source shaming are from abusive children, men or women dates, teachers, the church, etc. Such as being teased by peers. Performance based religion shames people for struggling, asking, doubting, feeling, or resting – and for not complying reading, giving, attending, or doing. For some, its to avoid the church all together.
The Message of Shame: When the messages are wounding, the person ends to read them like his: “Soemthing’s wrong with me; I’m a bad person; I can’t do anything right; I’m defective, inadequate, selfish, incompetent, worthless, crazy, stupid, in the way; I’m an embarrassment, a mistake, a pest.
The Mind:
Belief. The mind begins with the belief system, or what is referred to as the “shame-grid.” This means that you have a belief system or mindset that perpetuates shame. First, you accept the outside source as a reliable, legitimate place from which to find out about yourself. Giving power for others to shame you. Second, you accept that what I’m saying about you – through words, actions, or our relationship – is actually he truth. Third, you believe that someone as bad as you deserves to feel bad and deserves to be punished. You become judge and jury and find yourself condemning in the courtroom of your mind. After years, the pattern has become natural for you. You never question its validity. You accept the message as truth.
Decision, you now choose, either to give up or to try harder. You conclude that your performance has failed, the situation is hopeless, and you are a shameful, defective individual, you will give up. This is the way that fits best with your assessment or yourself.
The Behavior
When you act in a way that’s consistent with your shame, the cycle is complete. You will end up doing exactly what you hate doing because of the shame and guilt you feel. The worst part is that it is not complete and starts over! You feel bad as you “need” to feel bad. You might even perpetuate the bad feelings yourself. The feeling of shame is ingrained into your identity.
The Cheerleaders:
While part of the cycle is happening, people in your life observe your behavior and shame you for:
· What’s wrong with you?
· How can you act that way?
· Why don’t you take care of yourself?
· You should be ashamed?
· Don’t you care what people are thinking about you?
· Don’t you care about yourself? Etc.
The cheerleaders compare you to others. The cheerleaders can be your parents, siblings, friends, etc. They will quote bible verses to you.
Trying Hard:
Trying harder is not the way to break the cycle. Shame is a master of disguise.
The mind: Belief – You seem to reject the message. At first you react against the validity of the outside source, rejecting it as a legitimate source of messages about you. Second, you react against what the outside source says about you. No longer the prosecutor, you become the defense attorney, determine to prove your innocence. Even though you are reacting to them, the fact is the shame has reached you. Your response is different, but the wound is there.
Decision, you make the choice to give u or try harder. You decide you can do better, the situation is hopeful, and you are going to establish once and for all that you are capable.
Messages that Shame
The Behavior:
The try harder cycle has begun. You might have positive turn of events that fills you with hope. You begin relationship with a person or group of people who pep-talk you into believing that you really are capable. But you are still driven by shame. Giving into others guilt and shame but doing it much harder to please and get affirmation from others, such as parents, friends, etc. It might be the only way to receive love from your parents is to do everything for them and deny your own feelings even if you are tired and worn out and have problems in your personal life. You will kill yourself to meet their need because that is what is expected from you and you are the source to make them feel better. They depend on you. If you don’t, you will receive guilt piled on you that makes you feel shame and feel guilty, and then you give in. You will do it the best without complaining. You might say, everyone expects me to do it. That is my role, or that is what is expected from me. I have to do that cause no one else will do it.” You do it to get that little affirmation or to feel better about yourself as a person. If you are not doing with all effort, you might loose out on that affirmation you call “love and acceptance.”
Outside
Source “TRY Positive Behavior
HARD”
You think positive behavior promises to cure the shame. You are great, see how capable you are, you are loved and accepted now. You would think the cycle is complete, but it is not. Even if you get the praise, your mind rejects the praise. You simply don’t believe the messages. In your mind you will hear I’m still not good enoukgh I could do better, they will not give me any strokes, etc. These are the lies you believe in your mind. Your self appraisal has not changed.
Are you running out of self-effort fuel?
Three tiring scenarios.
The underachiever, is the person who “gives u” side of the cycle. Tired, burned out, disillusioned, depressed, addicted. They can be the person that pushes people away physically and emotionally, and push God away spiritually.
The Overachiever, is the person, that never get tired, or let anyone know they are. Their entire lives on “try-hard” ide of the cycle. They are the go-getters, the shakers and movers, the ones who make things happen. They are energetic, enthusiastic and charismatic. They are the workaholics. They’re the ones in families, churches and society that take care of others until someone doesn’t notice, or don’t get the results they want.
The Roller-Coaster, is the person whose lifestyle vacillates from one side of the cycle to the other, like a roller coaster. They go from extremes, love, then hate, hopefulness then despair. When on the verge of success, will give up. They seldom follow through when nothing is expected or even wanted. The successes and failures are determined by the level of fuel at any given moment. When energy level is high, they will work hard or try to meet all the needs around them. When energy level down, they will lapse into a state of disillusionment.
Which one describes you? ______________________________ why ___________________________________________________________________________
THERE IS HOPE AND A WAY OUT OF THIS THINKING:
First, you cannot become right to God on your own good behavior. Three reasons why the law was given.
1. the purpose of the law was to convict people of their shortcomings. Romans 3:20b
2. is to convince us that we are helpless to erase our own defectiveness. No one can come to God by following the law. Gal. 3:22, Rom. 11:32.
3. The law is the final one dealing with God’s gracious effort to bring people into a relationship with himself. Rom. 11:32. God has provided a way of coming into a right relationship with Him. All mankind’s systems are about earning acceptance, proving value, gaining approval. God is the only one with a system that offers acceptance and value at His own expense. Read Matt. 5:17.
How? When a person comes to faith in Christ, and makes Him their basis of live, value and identity, it means the Law has done its job. Rom. 10:4 – For Christ is the end of the law, that every one who has faith may be justified.” If you are still striving to feel that you are good enough, you are either in a blind bondage to the world’s or religion’s idols, not realizing you can be free.
Earning Isn’t Necessary:
Most people with shame have incredibly negative thoughts playing and replaying in their heads about God because they have been abused in his name. The solution is resting in what God has already done through Jesus Christ, Eph.1:4. God’s stance toward wounded, tired people is one of compassion, grace and forgiveness. As our Father, he is our healer and provider. Even if your parents rejected you, you have Father who has chosen you, just as you are.
The fight is not a fight to produce better behavior, but it is characterized by fighting to believe what is true about you because of what God has done; it’s a fight to decide to live in a manner that’s consistent with these new messages. This is done by transforming your mind and accepting your acceptance. When you accepted Christ, you became a new creation and an heir.
LIES THAT KEEP US IN BONDAGE
THE LIE THAT BINDS
THE TRUTH THAT SETS FREE
I NEED TO TRY HARDER AND HARDER
I NEED TO TRUST CHRIST TO EXPRESS HIMSELF THROUGH ME
I AM STRONG BUT I NEED GOD
TO HELP ME
I AM WEAK BUT MY STRENGTH IS IN CHRIST
I NEED TO LEARN TO COPE
I NEED TO GIVE UP ON MY RESOURCES
I ONLY NEED A PROGRAM OR
A METHOD
I NEED THE PERSON OF CHRIST
I ONLY NEED BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES
I NEED THE LIFE OF CHRIST IN ORDER TO LIVE BIBLICALLY
THE ONLY ISSUE IS BEHAVIOR
THE ISSUE IS IDENTITY
I ONLY NEED MORE COMMITMENT
I NEED TO LET GOD DO WHAT HE WANTS WITH ME
I NEED TO ACHIEVE VICTORY
I NEED TO RECIEVE VICTORY
This is still in editing mode and have more to add at a later date.
posted by Traci at 11:21 AM
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